pre-2023

Unknown

If you only knew…

How breathtaking your beauty is,

Through my eyes

I wish you could feel the

Electricity the moment your skin touches mine

Your scent,

Is the only scent I can smell when your not there

The taste of your lips, your smile

Make my eyes well up in tears

If you only knew…

How bad it hurts me when you tell me you feel ugly or fat

How bad it hurts me when your down

How bad it hurts when all I want is to help, and I can’t

How bad it hurts when your gone

If you only knew…

How much I love you

How much I want to change so that this will never happen again

How I would gladly give my life so that you could be happy and free

How many tears I have shed for you…

Maybe it’s better that you don’t know,

Maybe it’s better…

If it’s unknown

Adrift

I am not looking

For anything

There is a solace

In the silence

I feel as if I am in a blank space

From emotional content

That which I feel is

Superseded by a blank space

Full of questions

What is next

It is like being in a field of debris

After a tornado has ripped everything in sight to shreds

There are a few things still in place

Friendships and work to be done

All else has been washed away by a

Gail force wind

Here i stand

Looking over the outcome

Realizing how much I enjoy it

Existing in the blank spaces

Being without

Leaves me powerless

Without power, without responsibility

Resting now, after the storm

Adrift

Motivation

They say pain is a motivator…

They must not know what motivation is

They say fear is a motivator…

They must have never been truly afraid

I wake up in the morning and

Pray to god on my knees

I ask for him to be with me

I always say please.

As soon as I leave

The thoughts creep in

You are a worthless human

They come from deep within

Your father doesn’t love you

You are a failure as a father

You suck at relationships

Why do you even bother

As hard as I try

To block the voices out

They haunt my spirit

They fill my heart with doubt

So I know deeply

My portion of pain

Fear guides me through

The endless torment of self disdain

So, am I motivated?

Just to pray and that’s really it

Because without God in it

My life would truly be shit

If there was a way

If there was a way…

I would do it

To talk to you and tell you

All the things that have happened

All of the good things

And all of the really bad things

I want to share my thoughts

And my questions

My disappointments

And my lessons

If there was a way…

I would do it

I see my friends around me growing

And becoming better than before

Finding love, and experiencing loss

Having babies and so much more

Renewing relationships,

Changing their life,

Becoming strong and overcoming

So much internal strife

If there was a way…

I would do it

If I could take all of the good in me

And give it to all the people I love

If I could just be done with all this

And join the spirits up above

If I could find you somewhere

Wherever it is you went

I just want you, and no one else

God I wish I knew this before you left

Maybe things would be different

Maybe you would still be here

Maybe I would have gone

And you could have stayed here

That’s a lot of maybes

And there really isn’t a way

…But if there was a way I could

Hug you and tell you I love you

If there was a way…

I would

Don’t miss

The path of the forsaken

Begins with a lightning strike

When particles collide

Deep in the dark of night

Their loneliness is torture

It seems like they are so far away

As if light will never reach them again

Forever stuck in the shade

Reaching out forever

Wanting to feel someone’s touch

Waiting and wishing always

But never feeling love

This kind of sadness haunts

And captures people’s souls

It gnaws and bites and grabs

It drags you down the hole

Where you will find the nothing

The lack of all that there is

This is where you awaken

Reborn to reach out…

And hoping this time you don’t miss

Not alone

Somewhere…

Deep within my soul

Lives a very old man

He sits and watches

My whole life span

He never intervenes

Just sits and watches

Supporting me silently

Through all of my choices

Sometimes he speaks up

Only if I really ask

But he only whispers

Then I complete my task

Other times in my life

He speaks through others

Using words of Love

From my sisters and brothers

Who is this old man,

Deep down in my soul?

I can only tell you this…

I am not alone.

My Hands

Sometimes my hands hurt

From reaching into broken mechanical devices

Sometimes my life hurts

From spending too much time in my vices

I don’t want anyone to think

I am incapable of truly being happy

But where relationships are involved

I attract crazy and end up unhappy

I get sucked in to

Her beauty and disregard her insanity

Then when my vision becomes clear

I want to return to humanity

But alas I get lost in my emotions

I get hurt and tossed around and broken

So maybe when things hurt I should be more cautious

Instead of diving deeper into her turbulent ocean

When my hands hurt

It Is just a part of the life I choose

When my life hurts

I have to ask…

Do you actually enjoy the abuse?