fear

Motivation

They say pain is a motivator…

They must not know what motivation is

They say fear is a motivator…

They must have never been truly afraid

I wake up in the morning and

Pray to god on my knees

I ask for him to be with me

I always say please.

As soon as I leave

The thoughts creep in

You are a worthless human

They come from deep within

Your father doesn’t love you

You are a failure as a father

You suck at relationships

Why do you even bother

As hard as I try

To block the voices out

They haunt my spirit

They fill my heart with doubt

So I know deeply

My portion of pain

Fear guides me through

The endless torment of self disdain

So, am I motivated?

Just to pray and that’s really it

Because without God in it

My life would truly be shit

Heart break

Did you ever ask yourself why do I love

After my heart has been broken so many times?

After boundaries have been set

And neither person is willing to cross over the line

When you look at the pieces

And there are so many lying on the floor

It seems like a better idea

To leave, where is the god damn door

Then someone comes into your life

She makes you ask yourself the question

Where did I go wrong last time?

I must have failed at the broken heart rebuilding lesson

Then comes the gratitude

The thank you to all of the people who broke you apart

Without all of the pain they caused

You could have never learned how to rebuild your heart

So if your afraid of your heart breaking

And you want to be done with the fear forever…

Is your fear about your heart breaking,

Or are you afraid to put it back together?

Don’t miss

The path of the forsaken

Begins with a lightning strike

When particles collide

Deep in the dark of night

Their loneliness is torture

It seems like they are so far away

As if light will never reach them again

Forever stuck in the shade

Reaching out forever

Wanting to feel someone’s touch

Waiting and wishing always

But never feeling love

This kind of sadness haunts

And captures people’s souls

It gnaws and bites and grabs

It drags you down the hole

Where you will find the nothing

The lack of all that there is

This is where you awaken

Reborn to reach out…

And hoping this time you don’t miss

Overt your eyes, that’s what the voice in my head says

Then I can’t help it, they meet yours and I know.

You are breathtaking beauty, deep intelligence, emotionally present.

Your spirit calls to mine for some reason

My heart isn’t some battlefield, or a junkyard

It is full of emotion and love

I have been stuck in this place where everything is locked behind

Iron gates and cement and rebar

My eyes call to you, and your eyes answer

All they say is let me out

I am so sick of this place

I want to get to know you

And touch you and be free

It is a hard thing to take responsibility for locking yourself in

It’s not the others fault, you did this

Your eyes call to me

They say come out and play

Be free.

That is what you are to me.

Freedom

As I looked at my hands

I felt the bumps on my head

I recognized my comfort ability

With the deeply uncomfortable

As I have walked through life

I have felt pains that seem to have come

From the unknown

I ask myself questions

Why does this hurt so bad

And how did I get here

As I drove home today

I saw her, an apparition

She was the same

As if she didn’t die

I wanted to chase her

Or call her, am I crazy?

How much comfort is there really

When I do something that hurts?

At least I know exactly

Where the pain came from.

When everything was perfect

And you felt no fear

Do you remember hearing the silence

When the darkness came near

It devoured the light

It dulled out the sound

It felt like nothing else

When it came around

Can you find your way

With no light at the end

Can you be ok in silence

With no one to call friend

When your feelings overcome you

And the fear becomes intense

What do you do then

When nothing makes any sense

There is a light inside you

It has always been your guardian

When all else fails…

You might learn to listen to your heart again

Weaponized Hope

I was struggling with shit

So I walked through the door of the last house on the block.

They said dude your a drunk

…All the drinking Man, you gotta stop

So I stopped all the alcohol and weed

Just to become a pussy fiend

Always looking for a female

So I can trade my soul for a vagina full of dopamine

She said it’s ok to be vulnerable

I will be your ride or die

We whispered all of our secrets to each other

We admitted all our lies

But we both got what we wanted

It should be no surprise

We will do anything for that feeling… that dope

So here it is, the statement that applies

I want to know what drives you,

What keeps you afloat

So I can stab you with a dagger

Of weaponized hope

You want a relationship with your daughter

I can make that happen

I’m friends with her on social media

…And now your trapped in

What everybody wants right now

Is just to feel good

All you gotta do is sell em the idea

That if they wanted to do anything,

they could

Here’s a memory to shed some light

If you still think hope as a weapon is good

When my old friend sees a missionary, a southern twang says…

look at that Ram Christ

Or people from any religion who come to your home to invasively proselyte

the worst way to sell religion is by

jamming Jesus down your windpipe

They will use what drives you

What keeps you afloat

So they can stab you where it matters

With weaponized hope

Hope is not an ice pick

To jam in someone’s eye

You can’t pull it out once you stab them

Because they’ll bleed out and die

It’s not some thing to post on Facebook

Like look everyone I’m such a nice guy

It’s not some group or religion

That you have to join or rely

It’s not found in a woman’s vagina

This makes me really sad… I know

It’s not some story with a moral Someone tells you, Hope isn’t even in this poem

If I really want Hope, I can’t weaponize it

I gotta Give it away forever and expect to never get it back

I can’t tell you what I did for it,

or I’m just an egotistical shit sack

I have to be kind and forgive people

And Help those who can’t swim stay afloat

I Own this shit and I’m done stabbing the people I love

With my bullshit weaponized hope

Faith

Traveling through life blind,

The only way to know, is to feel…

Fears cannot be conquered by

Lifting your heels.

I want to be inspired

To be able to turn coal into diamonds

Then I remember what time says

Because of me, you are a blind man

I reach into the dark,

Hoping to feel something I know

The dark reaches into me

My heart freezes, like rain into snow

Sometimes it all seems pointless

When you can’t see the way

Then a voice speaks…

There is light at the end of the tunnel,

But you need to have Faith