hurt

As I looked at my hands

I felt the bumps on my head

I recognized my comfort ability

With the deeply uncomfortable

As I have walked through life

I have felt pains that seem to have come

From the unknown

I ask myself questions

Why does this hurt so bad

And how did I get here

As I drove home today

I saw her, an apparition

She was the same

As if she didn’t die

I wanted to chase her

Or call her, am I crazy?

How much comfort is there really

When I do something that hurts?

At least I know exactly

Where the pain came from.

When everything was perfect

And you felt no fear

Do you remember hearing the silence

When the darkness came near

It devoured the light

It dulled out the sound

It felt like nothing else

When it came around

Can you find your way

With no light at the end

Can you be ok in silence

With no one to call friend

When your feelings overcome you

And the fear becomes intense

What do you do then

When nothing makes any sense

There is a light inside you

It has always been your guardian

When all else fails…

You might learn to listen to your heart again

Weaponized Hope

I was struggling with shit

So I walked through the door of the last house on the block.

They said dude your a drunk

…All the drinking Man, you gotta stop

So I stopped all the alcohol and weed

Just to become a pussy fiend

Always looking for a female

So I can trade my soul for a vagina full of dopamine

She said it’s ok to be vulnerable

I will be your ride or die

We whispered all of our secrets to each other

We admitted all our lies

But we both got what we wanted

It should be no surprise

We will do anything for that feeling… that dope

So here it is, the statement that applies

I want to know what drives you,

What keeps you afloat

So I can stab you with a dagger

Of weaponized hope

You want a relationship with your daughter

I can make that happen

I’m friends with her on social media

…And now your trapped in

What everybody wants right now

Is just to feel good

All you gotta do is sell em the idea

That if they wanted to do anything,

they could

Here’s a memory to shed some light

If you still think hope as a weapon is good

When my old friend sees a missionary, a southern twang says…

look at that Ram Christ

Or people from any religion who come to your home to invasively proselyte

the worst way to sell religion is by

jamming Jesus down your windpipe

They will use what drives you

What keeps you afloat

So they can stab you where it matters

With weaponized hope

Hope is not an ice pick

To jam in someone’s eye

You can’t pull it out once you stab them

Because they’ll bleed out and die

It’s not some thing to post on Facebook

Like look everyone I’m such a nice guy

It’s not some group or religion

That you have to join or rely

It’s not found in a woman’s vagina

This makes me really sad… I know

It’s not some story with a moral Someone tells you, Hope isn’t even in this poem

If I really want Hope, I can’t weaponize it

I gotta Give it away forever and expect to never get it back

I can’t tell you what I did for it,

or I’m just an egotistical shit sack

I have to be kind and forgive people

And Help those who can’t swim stay afloat

I Own this shit and I’m done stabbing the people I love

With my bullshit weaponized hope

The end

I didn’t want to feel it

The weight of the casket felt light

As we carried it to the hearse

I was blank mentally

As if I couldn’t be present

My mind has a defense mechanism that shuts off

Emotion when it decides this is too painful

My grandfather dying was too much

I looked at her as she lay peacefully in the casket

It wasn’t her

I didn’t understand

I was so in love with her spirit

I couldn’t look at her, it was too painful

She was gone

I didn’t mean to break her spirit, it was unintentional

Please forgive me

She was too weak and old to jump into my truck

She was so regal

A protector of old ideas

And my spirit

Loyalty and understanding as no other connection I have ever felt

When she tried to jump out of my truck she hurt herself

And hit the ground with a thud

It broke something inside me

The tears kept coming

As I walked her to her death

I sat alone. In a congregation of people who were there to honor a man

I didn’t know.

My father.

The program said his full name,

I never knew

Cornelius

Please forgive me

I want to be able to love again

And feel alive

I don’t want to be afraid

But when you know… You just can’t go back

I ask people sometimes

Would you rather feel love in the most intense way possible knowing that it will end,

Or would you rather have a mediocre love for a lifetime?

I know what I have always chosen

Tears at the end

Can’t connect

I see you looking at me

And I just can’t connect

I tried to let you in

But my inside is such a mess

Sitting in a room full of people

Having a completely different experience

As people dance and laugh around me

I have locked everyone out of my interior

Don’t look at my eyes

They are the window to my soul

I know you are happy and excited

Keeping myself together is my only goal

I see you looking at me

And I just can’t connect

I tried to let you in

But my inside is such a mess

She could be any number of women

Who have tried to make eye contact

Who tried so hard to get in

But my eyes made all of her turn back

I stared at her first

She was looking for someone’s attention

She was so beautiful

Looking for bad intentions

I see you looking at me

And I just can’t connect

I tried to let you in

But my inside is such a mess

She comes to me in dreams

That girl that rearranged my spirit

I spent a lifetime with her

Listen to my voice, you can hear it

She left too early I thought

We never got to say goodbye

But she set me on a different path

Now it’s just too hard for me to lie

I see you looking at me

And I just can’t connect

I am trying to let you in

But my heart is too broken I guess…

Faith

Traveling through life blind,

The only way to know, is to feel…

Fears cannot be conquered by

Lifting your heels.

I want to be inspired

To be able to turn coal into diamonds

Then I remember what time says

Because of me, you are a blind man

I reach into the dark,

Hoping to feel something I know

The dark reaches into me

My heart freezes, like rain into snow

Sometimes it all seems pointless

When you can’t see the way

Then a voice speaks…

There is light at the end of the tunnel,

But you need to have Faith

Beacon in the abyss

With so much on your mind

It seems as if you are in a bog

Of your thoughts

The only thing you can do

Is look up at the night sky

To see 2 stars that somehow shine

Through the light pollution

You skip over the thought

Of how far they are from me

And ask the question

How far away are those stars from each other

Then all your thoughts come into perspective

Stars are a reflection of me

How far am I

From everyone else

I am distant and withdrawn

But somehow seem to shine light

Through the artificial

Those about me recognize me

And they appreciate me when they see me

But I feel alone,

A beacon in the abyss…

…Forever wanting to be closer

To someone else’s light